tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4170828505844723150.post207513809419211262..comments2023-11-03T03:00:50.926-07:00Comments on Josh Hoyt: 200 word contestAuthor Joshua Hoythttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01256754228034053632noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4170828505844723150.post-91766704431238181442011-07-26T14:39:48.988-07:002011-07-26T14:39:48.988-07:00A nice opening, and it sounds like you are off to ...A nice opening, and it sounds like you are off to a strong start! Just a couple of quick things that caught my eye...<br><br>You mention Tom's name three times in the opening paragraph, which seems a little excessive to me, especially since he's the only person in the room, so there's no way we could confuse him for anyone else.<br><br>The sentence "Tom clenched his new toy soldier that he just got for his eighth birthday" also sounds a little like an info-dump to me, like you're really trying to figure out a way to mention Tom's age. Is there another way you can hint at his age without expressly stating it?<br><br>I would also be careful with sentences like "A few minutes later, Mother hurried to the woman, holding her hands out" because agents generally seem to shy away from sentences that end in prepositions. (I know it's impossible to get rid of all of them, but I'd be especially careful in your first 200 words.)<br><br>These are all just tiny, nitpicky points, though, and overall, this reads really well. Best of luck to you, and congrats on a strong start!LisaAnnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02084670148565013397noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4170828505844723150.post-49928018482965366482011-07-26T04:12:20.352-07:002011-07-26T04:12:20.352-07:00nice. I like the use of sound to drive the opening...nice. I like the use of sound to drive the opening...would prefer to hear it over told i am hearing it. The first two sentences starting with 'A' seems a bit odd on the eye.<br><br>compelling though.Brian Millerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00722940075884718007noreply@blogger.com